Mood:
Last night I was tidying up some clean laundry that was left on a living room chair when I noticed I was holding some thong underwear I’d never seen before. That caused me to realize I had not seen Mellissa in her underwear for the better part of a year now.

I had to turn away from the kids so they wouldn’t hear the choking crying sounds. This kind of thing will happen sometimes, just all of a sudden, but I will have to inure myself to it. The woman I fell in love with and promised to spend the rest of my life with hasn’t existed in almost three years, and I should not cry for something that has been over for so long…it’s just that I didn’t know until somewhat recently.

On more uplifting news I re-did my personality type test on OKCupid. I used to be The Last Man on Earth, which I’m sure endeared me to prospective applicants on the site…NOT. I have definitely changed, and am now The Pool Boy.

Dance, Poolboy, dance!

Mood:
Tonight I competed in a karaoke contest. The winner will win $1,000.

I thought it might be a cakewalk, given that there was only about a dozen people there, but apparently the best from each week return in April for the finals. Poo.

I sang “Love Me Tender” a la Elvis, and was the only singer that anyone danced to, so I think I got bonus points for audience participation. If I’m right, the DJ was in charge of the score and my name was at the top of his list, and not just because my last name begins with an A.

Then I made the mistake of trying to sing “Hotel California”. I started singing during the extended instrumental intro, then got flustered so I think I was half an octave above where I should have been. It’s not good when you can clearly hear your voice over the music while on the stage.

Still, for a guy who has sang in public only once before and has social anxiety disorder, I think I did pretty well. Luckily a guy from work came out to help bolster my courage (thanks Ric!).

Mood:
After reading through more of the chat logs from Mellissa’s computer I have come to the realization that I jumped to conclusions about her SCA friends. It’s easy to blame a group that is misunderstood by many, but in viewing the timelines from those chat logs it looks like those that did find out about the first affair only found out long after nothing could be done about it. Those that found out and supported the second affair didn’t really think it was an affair because Mellissa had informed them that there was no chance of reconciliation with me. The blame for the affair is on Mellissa, not her friends, and not the SCA. She could have joined a bowling league and had an affair there.

I would like to formally apologize to Mellissa’s circle of friends, who would be justified in taking umbrage at my rant from the 22nd (which has been edited), as well as feeling embarrassed at some of the private information that I accessed within those logs. Please understand that I only read the logs to get the truth that had been denied me for so long. I will be visiting my children often and taking an interest in their activities, including those involving SCA folk, so if you feel that a personal apology is warranted I will be happy to provide one.

Mood:
Last night I figured out something else Mellissa neglected to inform me about the first affair. Not a lie so much as a lie of omission. I was angry again, and called Alex directly to explain that if he answered my questions truthfully there would be no further business between us. He did (I used some control questions that I already knew the answers for), and I thanked him and wished him well.

I spoke to Mellissa later and explained that because I was in the dark for so long and because of the way my mind approaches problems (which makes me ideal as a software tester), I needed to know everything she had not yet told me. She did so, and I don’t think there are any more secrets left.

We also performed a “post mortem” of our time together, finally really discussing all the things that drove her away. There were MANY times where something would happen and I would do or say something that she would misconstrue, but she would not discuss how she felt with me, so it festered in her heart. For example, when my mother was diagnosed with Huntingdon’s and there was a chance I had it as well, I told her that if I had it then we were not going to have kids. What she heard was me saying, “I now have a reason to not have kids” and she hated me for it. What I had meant was that I didn’t want any chance of passing the Huntingdon’s gene on to my kids…that would have been irresponsible.

These misunderstandings peppered our relationship. If she had only discussed her feelings with me instead of jumping to conclusions we might have been able to avoid this end, but dwelling in the past is no way to live your life, so we have taken these life lessons to heart so we can improve our present and possible future. She is already making sure to not jump to conclusions with Jake, and I’m glad.

However, half of the blame was mine. My anger and emotional withdrawal made it all worse. I have turned my life around and will NEVER scream at my kids again. My primary concern is their wellbeing, and Mellissa’s mental health directly affects that. The time for casting aspersions is over, and we need to make sure our children thrive in their new life. I still have great respect for Mellissa’s parenting skills. She was meant to have children, and taking proper care of those children seems as natural to her as breathing. I understand Jake has stepped up to care for them as well, and that’s a good sign. I hope they make it work, if only so that Mellissa can know she made the right choice, if not the right choice of timing.

Mood:
Last night I was discussing how I felt with friends and as I rambled the topic turned to why my marriage fell apart. Mellissa was always a very romantic person and followed her heart, while I was always a very logical person and rarely showed emotion. I only talked when I felt it was necessary, preferring to listen. My penchant to listen instead of talk was the first thing that Mellissa noticed and appreciated about me when she first saw me way back in the late 80’s (or was it early 90’s? So long ago…).

My lack of passion due to emotional withdrawal, my yelling at the kids and my inability to talk about our problems started Mellissa down the road to frustrated depression and a search for the “fire” she needed in her soul.

So, Dr. Blog, I have made another insightful personal discovery…the reason that I have been such a cold fish, and will now do my best to turn this around as well.

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Mood: :mad::mad::mad:

When Mellissa asked me to move out I asked her the obvious question: “Is there someone else?”
She said no.

When she agreed to a trial separation we discussed whether we should consider ourselves to be on a break (a la Ross & Rachel from Friends). That set off alarm bells in the back of my head, but I was so emotionally chaotic that I ignored them. We agreed we were not on a break; no dating anyone else.

When she told me weeks later that there was no chance of reconciliation I again asked the question: is there someone else? Again she said no.

Tuesday night I was working on Mellissa’s computer when I noticed she had unread chats waiting. That caused me to remember that she mentioned her chat logs weren’t working — when she right-clicked on a name and told it to show the history it sometimes said it wasn’t set up — so I had a look at the settings. The logging was on and the folder seemed valid. I checked out the log folder and found that the chats were, in fact, being logged.

I then noticed that one of the last chats that came in was from Jake, the 22-year-old guy she said had asked her out but she hadn’t agreed yet. Jealousy filled me. I opened it up his log and jumped to the end, my shame rising as I considered what I was doing. I was moving my mouse to close the window, mentally kicking myself for being so foolish when I saw it:

Muddles/Elspeth: “I love you”
Jake: “lovey ou too”

I was stunned. I had only moved out last month and she said she hadn’t been going out on dates with this guy yet and they’re already saying they love each other? In fact, she’s saying it to him first?

I scrolled back.

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Mood:

I had a revelation the other day:

A romantic relationship is like a drug. A mentally, not physically addicting one.

Mellissa had months to go through what was essentially a twelve-step program, putting up walls around her heart. I was there to offer comfort if she needed it during that time, and I was unaware of her pulling away. I’m pretty dense sometimes.

However, I’ve had to go cold turkey. She was already over me when the rug got yanked out.

I need my drug, but can’t have it. I’ve been going through withdrawal, doing anything I can to convince myself that I can retain something, anything of our intimate connection. Now that I’ve realized this I can push past it, like with the other realizations I’ve had.

Mood:

I’m hanging in there.

I gave Mellissa a bracelet charm shaped like a girl’s profile last night to commemorate Emily’s second birthday. I should have gotten it for her two years ago, but that’s part and parcel with all the emotional problems I was having. She’s a great mom, and deserves it, and I feel better for finally having given it to her.

Yesterday I had an instant message chat with an attractive lass at work whose engagement ended a little before my marriage did, and the conversation felt to me like she was seeing if we have compatible interests, since I know she knows I’m available. Unfortunately not…she likes dirt biking and camping, and she smokes, and I don’t like getting dirty or spending time outdoors because of my allergies and there’s bears out there. Still, opposites attract, right?

My buddy/workmate Wiley took me out to the Industry night club on Saturday night. After the place finally filled up there were lots of gorgeous ladies to look at, but my brain was telling me, “too young, too young, holy crap that skirt is short…….too young…” I asked one lady that seemed closer to my age to dance but got the old “maybe later” response, then a few minutes later she went and danced with her girlfriend. I bounced onto the dance floor a couple times by myself at Wiley’s urging, but generated no interest. All in all, depressing, and a reminder that I really hate night clubs when I don’t already have a lady on my arm.

Why am I so gung-ho on getting a new girl? Well, Mellissa is a beautiful woman, and her active job is getting her back in shape. She told me that for the first time in her life she’s comfortable in her own skin. That attitude shines through, and guys are noticing (I sure am…she’s looking hot! :wink:). Since she moved on emotionally months ago she can handle me getting a girlfriend better than I can handle her getting a boyfriend, and I’ll be able to handle that better if I have a girlfriend by then. Will this cause a rebound for me? Possibly, but time won’t make a bit of difference for that. Tara was my rebound from Ruth, and that was something like 2-3 years later.

How many ex-wives do you know who would actually extol their ex-husband’s um, virtues to their friends? I’m torn between pride, gratefulness and embarrassment that she posted it on the Internet.

Geoffrey and Emily are acting out more. Geoffrey will push as far as he can the other way when told to do something he doesn’t want, like change into his pajamas for going to bed. Of course, he then also gets upset when told to change out of his pajamas in the morning. Emily is regressing, sucking on her soother a LOT these days, and flies into huge tantrums at the least provocation, usually regarding her soother. We haven’t told Geoffrey that Daddy’s not coming back home yet. Mellissa is having issues with her parents that may drive her and the kids right out the door, so combining that with the final fate of our marriage is just too much crap right now.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in late April. It’s covered by Medical but that’s why it’s so far in the future (stupid two-tiered medical system). I’ll be attending a support group for “difficult emotions” every Wednesday morning, probably starting next week. I’m currently on antidepressants (Effexor 75mg), and they’re helping to keep me from becoming depressed. I thought they might dull my intellect or inhibit my sense of humour but they haven’t (at least that I can tell).

Mood:

One thing I just realized as I run through all the stuff I’m going to need to do from here:

I’ve never lived alone before.

I lived with my parents, then moved out with Merrick and Joe near Cultus lake, then in with Ruth, then back in with Merrick at The Mopester’s, then in with Mellissa. I’ve never come home to an empty house every day.

It’s a daunting prospect. I’m currently living with Anthony, but it will be temporary.

Yikes!

Mood: :dead:

It’s such a nice day, which means my allergies are kicking up. Here’s a little ditty to the tune of Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”:

I can feel the sneezes from the air today, ah-choo!
I’ve been allergic to the pollen for all my life, ah-choo!
Can you feel the sneezes from the air today, ah-choo! Ah-choo!

And I can feel the sneezes from the air today, ah-choo!
I’ve been allergic to the pollen for all my life, ah-choo!
I am still sneezing from the air today, ah-choo! Ah-choo!
I’ve been allergic to the pollen for all my life, ah-choo! Ah-choo!