Mood:

One thing I’m able to do is adjust my point of view during times of great emotional stress. When I told Mellissa I wasn’t interested in marriage or children after our relationship got serious she told me our time together would be limited because she wanted the opposite. I reevaluated my life within the space of a week and proposed shortly thereafter. When she told me last month that I had to leave because of my anger I did a 180 on my attitude and have become the father I never expected I could be. Now that I have been forced to accept my impending divorce I have once again adjusted my point of view.

I was fooling myself. Mellissa had moved on emotionally months ago but I’m the fixer — I see a problem and I have to fix it. I convinced myself that I could fix my relationship with my kids and our marriage. I see now that I can only do the former. There were things I could have done to keep this from happening, but Mellissa also told me that she suspects she only married me to have kids, so this might have happened anyway.

I was angry at first, but I realized this morning that I wasn’t angry at her. She made up the trial separation in order to preserve my peace of mind and not send me spiraling into despair. Now that I’m happier with myself and my relationship my Geoffrey and Emily I can properly handle our breakup. I told Mellissa last night that being in love was an illusion in an attempt to change her mind, and I meant it. This morning my illusion was gone. I still like her…I still love her…but I’m not in love with her anymore.

I’m still going to have some trouble dealing with when she gets a new boyfriend, but in the meantime we’re still friends. We still finish each other’s sentences sometimes, or arrive at the same idea concurrently.

Maybe she’ll set me up with one of her girlfriends. She has inside information on my sexual prowess after all…

Mood:

Last night Mellissa’s brother Stephen told me that Geoffrey had come out to the back room crying the previous night, and when asked what was wrong he said he missed me. This was of course upsetting to me so I mentioned to Mellissa this afternoon that we shouldn’t carry this separation on too long past the three months, for the kids’ sake. She agreed and went off to her D&D session.

When she got back we discussed it more. She told me that she doesn’t see us ever getting back together, and the great strides I’ve made with the children have made no difference toward that, though she’s happy that I’m getting help. She’s no longer in love with me and will never be again, though she still likes and loves me.

The woman I married had forgiveness in her heart. She would never have considered breaking her marriage vows. She wouldn’t have put her needs before her children’s. I was looking forward to showing her what kind of husband I could be. I was even thinking about asking her to marry me again, as she loves weddings. I was going to support her idea of applying to become a surrogate mother, as she loves being pregnant and has easy pregnancies and deliveries. However, the possibility of finding someone else that she can have more children with is more attractive than the reality of her marriage.

That she is not behaving like the woman I fell in love with makes this easier. Her membership in the SCA definitely changed her views on marriage and love, especially since several of her friends are divorced, separated, and/or polyamorous, and seem to trade relationship partners like hockey cards. I didn’t treat her like a queen, and in the SCA every man does. It’s empowered her and has contributed to the destruction of our marriage, as a “mundane” husband simply can’t compete.

I’m not blaming the SCA, though. I contributed to this end with my depressive, angry and ambivalent impulses. The SCA just became the juxtaposition to an unhappy home life. She had fun at SCA events without her husband, and no fun at home with her husband. Simple psychology.

I will continue to be the best father to my children that I can, given the circumstances. However, I can’t just turn off my heart. When Mellissa gets a new boyfriend I will not handle it well and will have to go away. Hopefully the kids won’t mind coming to visit me from then on.