Mood: 
Last night Mellissa’s brother Stephen told me that Geoffrey had come out to the back room crying the previous night, and when asked what was wrong he said he missed me. This was of course upsetting to me so I mentioned to Mellissa this afternoon that we shouldn’t carry this separation on too long past the three months, for the kids’ sake. She agreed and went off to her D&D session.
When she got back we discussed it more. She told me that she doesn’t see us ever getting back together, and the great strides I’ve made with the children have made no difference toward that, though she’s happy that I’m getting help. She’s no longer in love with me and will never be again, though she still likes and loves me.
The woman I married had forgiveness in her heart. She would never have considered breaking her marriage vows. She wouldn’t have put her needs before her children’s. I was looking forward to showing her what kind of husband I could be. I was even thinking about asking her to marry me again, as she loves weddings. I was going to support her idea of applying to become a surrogate mother, as she loves being pregnant and has easy pregnancies and deliveries. However, the possibility of finding someone else that she can have more children with is more attractive than the reality of her marriage.
That she is not behaving like the woman I fell in love with makes this easier. Her membership in the SCA definitely changed her views on marriage and love, especially since several of her friends are divorced, separated, and/or polyamorous, and seem to trade relationship partners like hockey cards. I didn’t treat her like a queen, and in the SCA every man does. It’s empowered her and has contributed to the destruction of our marriage, as a “mundane” husband simply can’t compete.
I’m not blaming the SCA, though. I contributed to this end with my depressive, angry and ambivalent impulses. The SCA just became the juxtaposition to an unhappy home life. She had fun at SCA events without her husband, and no fun at home with her husband. Simple psychology.
I will continue to be the best father to my children that I can, given the circumstances. However, I can’t just turn off my heart. When Mellissa gets a new boyfriend I will not handle it well and will have to go away. Hopefully the kids won’t mind coming to visit me from then on.