Mood: :mad::mad::mad:
When Mellissa asked me to move out I asked her the obvious question: “Is there someone else?”
She said no.
When she agreed to a trial separation we discussed whether we should consider ourselves to be on a break (a la Ross & Rachel from Friends). That set off alarm bells in the back of my head, but I was so emotionally chaotic that I ignored them. We agreed we were not on a break; no dating anyone else.
When she told me weeks later that there was no chance of reconciliation I again asked the question: is there someone else? Again she said no.
Tuesday night I was working on Mellissa’s computer when I noticed she had unread chats waiting. That caused me to remember that she mentioned her chat logs weren’t working — when she right-clicked on a name and told it to show the history it sometimes said it wasn’t set up — so I had a look at the settings. The logging was on and the folder seemed valid. I checked out the log folder and found that the chats were, in fact, being logged.
I then noticed that one of the last chats that came in was from Jake, the 22-year-old guy she said had asked her out but she hadn’t agreed yet. Jealousy filled me. I opened it up his log and jumped to the end, my shame rising as I considered what I was doing. I was moving my mouse to close the window, mentally kicking myself for being so foolish when I saw it:
Muddles/Elspeth: “I love you”
Jake: “lovey ou too”
I was stunned. I had only moved out last month and she said she hadn’t been going out on dates with this guy yet and they’re already saying they love each other? In fact, she’s saying it to him first?
I scrolled back.
They had been flirting for the last two years (well, at least that’s when the chat logs started…it may have been longer). They were actually discussing sexual stuff in a general way as long as a year ago. In December she told him that we were having problems and he ramped up his compliments and sexual innuendo. Within a week of telling me I had to leave they graduated from flirting to cybersex. She was lying to me and her family about where she was going in order to be with him. By a week-and-a-half, WHILE I WAS STILL LIVING THERE, she was out having sex with him after the kids and I went to bed, and their chats started being peppered with “I love you”s. A WEEK-AND-A-HALF! This was days after we agreed we weren’t on a break, and weeks before she told me the marriage was over and that there was no one else.
He was in her D&D group and apparently they openly showed their affection for each other there. Her other SCA friends offered their apartments or spare rooms so that they could have time alone. I was a fucking joke to all of those friends and they smiled and were all nice to me every time they saw me, covering the whole thing up. That was a big tell, and one of the reasons I opened the chat log in the first place. I already knew, somewhere in the back of my mind. You don’t treat the ex that nicely — you just don’t, unless you’re hiding something.
{rant against the SCA removed…see March 25, 2007 posting “SCAred”}
I was turning my life around, to finally provide emotional stability to my family, only to find that there was no family to return to. My kids have a broken home, and it will affect their relationships for the rest of their lives. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I trusted her with my heart. She said she wanted to be good friends after the breakup, even as she was thinking about her new boyfriend. There is no chance of that now.
I confronted Mellissa on the phone, pretending that I had had a dream about her having an affair. In retrospect that wasn’t very smart. Remember she had lied to me about the trial separation in order to not jeopardize my mental state? I asked her, point blank, that if she had any respect left for me that she would tell me the truth. She lied and said she had only kissed him once. I realized the dream story wasn’t going to get me the truth so I told her that I had the chat logs, and that I could never forgive her.
I told Mellissa to tell her parents right away. She had to take some responsibility and come clean. I wanted to post this last night but Mellissa’s dad had already gone to bed, so I agreed to keep it as a draft until she had a chance to talk to him tonight. Tonight I pruned the chat log to a manageable 46 pages of damning information and highlighted the interesting parts, then I saw it:
She was mentioning an affair she had with Alex/Symon/Harold three years ago.
WHAT…THE…FUCK.
She mentioned that Emily’s birth prompted her to remain with me for financial stability, otherwise she would have left me for him (Emily is definitely mine, before you ask). I pulled up his chat history and found enough in there to corroborate the affair.
I finished up the printout and headed back to her house. She hadn’t arrived but her dad was going to bed because he works the early shift. I asked him to wait, as Mellissa had something to tell him. He again said he had to go to bed, but I told him it was important.
I called Mellissa but got her voice mail. I told her to get back in 20 minutes or I’d tell him everything.
He already knew. I told him, “that’s not the half of it.”
Mellissa tore into the driveway a few minutes later. After the kids were put to bed she sat down with us but was reticent to give details. I had to prompt and direct her to admit she had sex with Jake before I had moved out. We were separated but living together, but we had agreed not to see anyone else. She couldn’t even say how many times she had had sex with Jake after a month. She was also now on the pill.
I then dropped the bomb about her affair with Alex. She came clean, explaining (after some more prompting) that she had had sex with him about a dozen times.
I told her she had committed adultery. She agreed, and said she wouldn’t fight me if I used that on the divorce papers. She asked when she should move out and her dad told her as soon as possible. She lied directly to their faces and they cannot forgive that.
The kids don’t deserve this crap. Her parents don’t deserve this. Hell, I told her after 10 years *I* don’t deserve this, even with my anger problems. She agreed.
I told her she had made me a cuckold (husband of an adulteress), and that she was a horrible person. If she had just come out and told me about Jake when she finally told me there was no hope of reconciliation I would have been angry, but I would have been able to move on instead of the month of uncertainty I had as I tried to resolve me feelings for her so that I could be her friend and father for her children. Also, her affair with Alex would have remained a secret. Her many lies have ironically caused the full truth to come to light.
Back when she explained her reasoning for telling me that we would have a trial separation when she had no plans to take me back, she explained that I needed that hope in order to preserve my mental state. Without that hope I might not have gotten help. I told her that she was right; sometimes the end justifies the means. Likewise for marrying me when she thought it might have been just to have kids. The kids are here, so you can’t second-guess that decision; to do so would cheapen their existence.
My betrayal of her trust by reading her chat logs (and I’ve been informed by several friends that I waited a lot longer than they would have) is the same; I feel no guilt because the truth is out.
I would like to personally thank the anonymous soul who e-mailed Mellissa’s brother about her affair with Jake. Though proof was not provided and I was never told about the e-mail until this evening, it gave her mother the impetus to confront Mellissa, which I heard about later. It was yet another odd thing that caused me to open those logs, so you have the thanks of the entire Zillwood and Allison families (except for Mellissa).
For those of you who are wondering if I’m going to do something self-destructive, forget it. I’m very focused right now, and I need to get my life back on track. I have 10 years to make up for. I don’t even want to kick the crap out of Jake; he was attracted to the same things I was in Mellissa, so I can’t blame him. Mellissa, however, should have waited until she told me the marriage was over; after 10 years she owed me that much.
To Jake, if he cares: based on some of the things you said to my wife you have some emotional issues yourself. You mentioned violent feelings and tendencies, problems with your parents and emotional withdrawal, even when you are alone with your new lover. Your relationship with her is based on many lies and deceptions, and you have not met the real Mellissa yet, the one I discovered after I proposed and moved in with her. You’re still in the happy sexy part of the relationship, and it’s a great time, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’ll enjoy a serious relationship with her. Please keep in mind that we will be meeting if my kids get hurt, physically or emotionally, by you.
And by the kids’ uncle.
It’s amazing how one’s instincts (in this case, MINE) can be so accurate. From the bits and pieces you’d tell me shortly after you got married, I really started to worry.
And now this? I find out that she’s as bad as my worst-case worry? Mellissa, I’m sure you’re reading this: you’re a TERRIBLE PERSON. Get some help you baby-addicted sicko.
Do not paint the SCA with your anger. What ever the disputes, they are with individuals and not the community. SCA are a hobby society not relationship police. The choices and mistakes people make in their own lives and home is their own business. What happened would be no different if it was a church group, political league, student society or any other group of human beings.
You’re right. To me “the SCA” is her circle of friends in Lionsdale {unfounded accusation and abuse removed — please see “SCAred” post from March 25, 2007}.
The SCA is really just a front for dork sex camp. I’m sure it started honestly enough, but once the girls got all treated like princesses and the nerds who hit each other with fake swords got attention from corset-wearing plus-size girls it was doomed to be just a reason to get together and “bedwarm”.
So yeah, screw you “chivalrous” SCA people who knew what was going on.
Jim, I’m sorry this happened. But, I reall respect your ability to admit your own faults and not just blame everything on Mellissa - and I *really* respect how you’re turning your life around and focussing on your kids. That’s awesome. What’s not awesome is your cheating wife, who totally sucks and I hope is currently miserable. That’s a terrible betrayal. You could have worked together to turn things around, and obviously you were willing - what a shame that she had to fuck it all up by being a sneaky liar. No one deserves to be cheated on. If she was unhappy with you, she should have had some integrity and ended things with you *before* running off with some other guy. How selfish she turned out to be.
Wow. I was doing a google search for “Mellissa had sex with..” to see what funny answers came up. Then I found this.
I can not believe everything you’ve had to endure, and I know nothing about you, but you seem so strong and I pat your back for that.
I wish you the best of luck in getting your life in order, and you are in my thoughts. You will get through this. By the sounds of it, you have many supporters to help. That’s a wonderful thing to have: friends and family to help you.
Best of luck, Jim!
-Mellissa