Mood: 
Last night I was discussing how I felt with friends and as I rambled the topic turned to why my marriage fell apart. Mellissa was always a very romantic person and followed her heart, while I was always a very logical person and rarely showed emotion. I only talked when I felt it was necessary, preferring to listen. My penchant to listen instead of talk was the first thing that Mellissa noticed and appreciated about me when she first saw me way back in the late 80’s (or was it early 90’s? So long ago…).
My lack of passion due to emotional withdrawal, my yelling at the kids and my inability to talk about our problems started Mellissa down the road to frustrated depression and a search for the “fire” she needed in her soul.
So, Dr. Blog, I have made another insightful personal discovery…the reason that I have been such a cold fish, and will now do my best to turn this around as well.
I was a boisterous child. I was very outgoing and loved going outside. My allergies would sometimes be so bad that my nose would be bleeding by the time I returned. Those same allergies would sometimes irritate me to the point where I would lash out in frustration and anger. In grade 2 I threw a desk at my teacher.
In grade 3 I was sent to a school for problem children in Burnaby called Kincaid. If you acted out they would lock you in a 6′ x 6′ room for a while. At first I was thrown in there multiple times a day, then by the end of the year I had learnt my lesson too well…I had pushed down all my outward emotions, keeping them bottled inside. Don’t show the emotions and they won’t throw you in the room, my mind told me.
In public school grade 4 my meekness was like blood in the water for the bullies. They would trip me, call me names and treat me like shit all the time without fear of reprisal. I pushed it all down, showing nothing. Emotions were bad. In addition, my parents had started some weekly wife-swapping with a couple, and the other husband should never have been put in a position of authority over children (he had none of his own, nor would he ever). He was a total alpha male, and to him I was the fifth wheel; a distraction from his pleasure. During the weeks that he would stay over he would take charge of any punishment that needed to be brought upon me, such as his belt to my ass.
The next year all five of us moved into a large house in Port Coquitlam. In addition to a new school, complete with new bullies who also figured out I was an easy target, I was relegated to the deepest room in the basement while the adults’ rooms were upstairs. Every time I said anything around that man it was the wrong thing. I was slapped down, sometimes literally, and my life was absolutely miserable. I would spend all my time in my room, avoiding everyone.
In grade 6 my father could no longer take the living arrangements and left us. Six months later Mom and I left to be with him in New Westminster, but I only found out recently that it was only 6 months; to me it felt like a year or a year-and-a-half.
As I grew up my mind took all these experiences and created a man who showed no outward emotions. Anger was bad…exultation was bad…crying was bad. My withdrawal in grades 4 through 6 caused me to develop a social anxiety disorder that lasts to this day. The only problem with holding in emotions is that you can’t keep doing it…they eventually come out, and as anger, the default emotion for a human psyche that cannot properly express itself.
I’ve already mentioned here about crying children being a trigger for guilty feelings and resultant rage, and now I can effectively deal with my toddler when she’s upset. I even managed to get Emily laughing today when no one else could calm her. Now that I think I’ve identified the source of my emotional withdrawal I should be able to work on that as well. I won’t leave my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, but I’m going to make damn sure to enjoy myself as often as possible and let people know when it happens. I had already promised Mellissa that I would try anything once, when she mentioned during our separation that my fear of new things was a large problem. Despite our failed marriage I will uphold my promise.
Last night I went to a night club with some folks from work. I enjoyed myself immensely, got drunker than I have since my stag, smiled more than I have in a long time, drew the eyes of several ladies, was charming and flirtatious, and I kissed a sexy, gorgeous woman as the taxi dropped me off later. I’ll have to wait until Monday to find out if anything will come from that, but she kissed back after the initial surprise so I’m hopeful.
Good for you!