A few months back I was going to take the kids to see the new Harry Potter movie.  When my ex-wife found out, she registered her displeasure and it finally came down to me agreeing that if the kids had nightmares I would get a phone call to talk them down from it.

I read that particular HP book, and except for near the end it was actually less scary than the previous few of the series…it was PG when the previous few were PG-13.  There were no nightmares.

A few weeks ago Geoffrey told me he had watched the first part of The Dark Knight at a friend’s house and his mum got mad.  I, too, was unhappy to hear that, as that movie is too dark for a 7-year-old, IMO.

So, it seems that PG movies are okay and PG-13 are not.  But wait! Here are a list of PG-13 movies I would let my kids watch:

Ever After
Fantastic Four
Goldeneye
Pirates of the Caribbean
Spiderman
Stardust
Star Trek
X-Men

How can those movies be counted in the same list as 1408, The Dark Knight, and The Ring? The ratings system is just nuts.

Geoffrey and Emily were playing with the blow-up hammers they got at the PNE.

Geoffrey: Emily’s hammer is bigger than mine.

Me: But do you know how to use it?

Geoffrey: Yeah.

Me: Okay then.

Geoffrey and Emily went out to play with some girls in the centre of the complex. Geoffrey was told boys weren’t allowed and Emily was told only 5 years old or older allowed.

The irony was that the girls were oriental and East Indian.

So Geoffrey’s almost 6 and his comprehension is great.  He can read a fair amount of words, he’s good with numbers and he’s asking a lot of questions.

However, I don’t spend a lot of time with him so most of his questions are about the things we do together, like watch sci-fi shows like Star Trek or Dr. Who.

When his mother went out some nights to play Dungeons & Dragons he asked me what it was like to play it.  I couldn’t properly answer that so found some of the old D&D cartoons and burned them to a DVD for him to watch.  A few weeks ago he told me I had missed an episode.

“No,” I assured him, “those are all of them.”

“But then that means they never got home.”

Ouch…I forgot that there was never a final episode.  I assured him they did, indeed, get home, but there are going to be other uncomfortable moments as I try to share other things from my childhood.

For example, I’ve tried to get him to watch Star Wars: A New Hope a couple times now.  He gets BORED.  However, he could sit through all of The Phantom Menace.  Guess ol’ George got it right after all.

As I mentioned above, we watch some old Star Trek episodes.  He now wants a Star Trek shirt, phaser or communicator for his birthday.  However, once he’s caught up on the old episodes come the movies.  I already tried him on The Motion Picture and he almost fell asleep, so next is Wrath of Khan.  One problem:  I saw that when I was 12 and had nightmares about alien bugs burrowing into my ear for weeks.  What’s it going to do to a kid his age?  Guess I’ll have to go straight to TNG and hold off on the movies for a few years.

im·promp·tu [im-promp-too, -tyoo]
–adjective
1. made or done without previous preparation

Bonus points to anyone who can find the site linked from my Blogroll where this word is being misused.

So last night I dreamt of being a “me” version of Captain Kirk in the episode The City on the Edge of Forever (omg I got the name wrong and had to look it up! -5 geek points!).  Something had happened to my past and I had to fix it.  I don’t remember too many specifics but despite all the crap I’ve gone through I knew I had to do it for my kids to be born.  I’m sure they’ll be happy to know.

When I found years ago that I could not talk to my wife about my feelings for various reasons that I have mentioned here before but will not reiterate I started to put those feelings onto my blog. She would read my blog, find out how I really felt and then we would discuss it or not. In retrospect that was really fucked up, but since I had never been married before I had no idea what normal was; I was trying anything to salvage my sanity.

When everything fell apart I naturally put it all onto this blog. My best friend had moved away and I was feeling very alone. I needed to vent. When I found out about the infidelities I again put it all down here.

When I speak to people who don’t have blogs about the things I’ve written here I’m asked what the hell I was thinking. Why would I put such personal information on the web for all to see? My reasoning was that all the friends and acquaintances that I never see anymore can get an update on my life, which is what blogs are for in the first place. I had an acquaintance approach me at the grocery store because he had read my blog and we commiserated a bit about ex-wives and kids, which might not have happened otherwise.

However, at this point there’s no reason to continue in this vein. My marriage is over and I’m moving on with my life. The ex and I will work together for the betterment of the kids’ lives, and our own, so there’s no point in dredging up crap; it only holds us back from working on what’s important. Therefore I vow to keep the personal crap out of this blog and may even “sanitize” previous entries when I have time.

I appreciate the support friends, acquaintances and even perfect strangers on the web have given me. Tune in for exciting posts such as if I was a tree what kind of tree would I be.

No posts lately. I’ve been busy.

I’ve moved back in with the Zillwoods for now, since that’s where I keep all my stuff. Will probably be moving out at the end of next month for somewhere in Abbotsford.

Personally I’m doing well. Mellissa and I went out with the kids for our last anniversary on the 10th, which I suggested we treat as a wake for our marriage. We ate out, came back to the house to watch a movie and put the kids to bed together. As I look at Mellissa these days I don’t really find her as attractive as I used to — little imperfections or blemishes that I would never really have noticed due to love’s “rose coloured glasses” are now quite obvious. I guess she hit this point years ago.

I’ve been seeing a woman I met on Plenty of Fish. I tell you, after trying Classmates Dating ($), OKCupid and American Singles ($) and getting barely any response, a free site like PoF that actually works is refreshing. A couple of Mellissa’s less…experienced…friends tried it and likewise found dates. Mellissa wanted to offer her opinion about some of her friends’ suitors’ profiles, and since you cannot view their profiles if you aren’t a member, she signed up. She’s been getting e-mails and virtual roses, even though her profile says she’s not looking for a boyfriend.

It has a good system, in that you are shown thumbnails and brief details of the types of people you are looking for. If you click on the profile that person is notified, so they can then click on you and have a look. If you like them you add them to your Favorites, and vice versa. There is e-mail and messaging internal to the site, so it’s all quite safe. You can even attach a virtual rose to a message.

One suggestion: find your best photo to use as your main picture. It’ll be thumbnailed, but if it’s good you’ll get lots of clicks. From there, a well-written profile will whet their appetites. I was carrying on e-mail conversations with 3 ladies for a few days there, and they all e-mailed me first!

You won’t find my profile on there. I don’t need it anymore! PoF works.

After reading through more of the chat logs from Mellissa’s computer I have come to the realization that I jumped to conclusions about her SCA friends. It’s easy to blame a group that is misunderstood by many, but in viewing the timelines from those chat logs it looks like those that did find out about the first affair only found out long after nothing could be done about it. Those that found out and supported the second affair didn’t really think it was an affair because Mellissa had informed them that there was no chance of reconciliation with me. The blame for the affair is on Mellissa, not her friends, and not the SCA. She could have joined a bowling league and had an affair there.

I would like to formally apologize to Mellissa’s circle of friends, who would be justified in taking umbrage at my rant from the 22nd (which has been edited), as well as feeling embarrassed at some of the private information that I accessed within those logs. Please understand that I only read the logs to get the truth that had been denied me for so long. I will be visiting my children often and taking an interest in their activities, including those involving SCA folk, so if you feel that a personal apology is warranted I will be happy to provide one.

When Mellissa asked me to move out I asked her the obvious question: “Is there someone else?”
She said no.

When she agreed to a trial separation we discussed whether we should consider ourselves to be on a break (a la Ross & Rachel from Friends). That set off alarm bells in the back of my head, but I was so emotionally chaotic that I ignored them. We agreed we were not on a break; no dating anyone else.

When she told me weeks later that there was no chance of reconciliation I again asked the question: is there someone else? Again she said no.

Tuesday night I was working on Mellissa’s computer when I noticed she had unread chats waiting. That caused me to remember that she mentioned her chat logs weren’t working — when she right-clicked on a name and told it to show the history it sometimes said it wasn’t set up — so I had a look at the settings. The logging was on and the folder seemed valid. I checked out the log folder and found that the chats were, in fact, being logged.

I then noticed that one of the last chats that came in was from Jake, the 22-year-old guy she said had asked her out but she hadn’t agreed yet. Jealousy filled me. I opened it up his log and jumped to the end, my shame rising as I considered what I was doing. I was moving my mouse to close the window, mentally kicking myself for being so foolish when I saw it:

Muddles/Elspeth: “I love you”
Jake: “lovey ou too”

I was stunned. I had only moved out last month and she said she hadn’t been going out on dates with this guy yet and they’re already saying they love each other? In fact, she’s saying it to him first?

I scrolled back.

They had been flirting for the last two years (well, at least that’s when the chat logs started…it may have been longer). They were actually discussing sexual stuff in a general way as long as a year ago. In December she told him that we were having problems and he ramped up his compliments and sexual innuendo. Within a week of telling me I had to leave they graduated from flirting to cybersex. She was lying to me and her family about where she was going in order to be with him. By a week-and-a-half, WHILE I WAS STILL LIVING THERE, she was out having sex with him after the kids and I went to bed, and their chats started being peppered with “I love you”s. A WEEK-AND-A-HALF! This was days after we agreed we weren’t on a break, and weeks before she told me the marriage was over and that there was no one else.

He was in her D&D group and apparently they openly showed their affection for each other there. Her other SCA friends offered their apartments or spare rooms so that they could have time alone. I was a fucking joke to all of those friends and they smiled and were all nice to me every time they saw me, covering the whole thing up. That was a big tell, and one of the reasons I opened the chat log in the first place. I already knew, somewhere in the back of my mind. You don’t treat the ex that nicely — you just don’t, unless you’re hiding something.

{rant against the SCA removed…see March 25, 2007 posting “SCAred”}

I was turning my life around, to finally provide emotional stability to my family, only to find that there was no family to return to. My kids have a broken home, and it will affect their relationships for the rest of their lives. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I trusted her with my heart. She said she wanted to be good friends after the breakup, even as she was thinking about her new boyfriend. There is no chance of that now.

I confronted Mellissa on the phone, pretending that I had had a dream about her having an affair. In retrospect that wasn’t very smart. Remember she had lied to me about the trial separation in order to not jeopardize my mental state? I asked her, point blank, that if she had any respect left for me that she would tell me the truth. She lied and said she had only kissed him once. I realized the dream story wasn’t going to get me the truth so I told her that I had the chat logs, and that I could never forgive her.

I told Mellissa to tell her parents right away. She had to take some responsibility and come clean. I wanted to post this last night but Mellissa’s dad had already gone to bed, so I agreed to keep it as a draft until she had a chance to talk to him tonight. Tonight I pruned the chat log to a manageable 46 pages of damning information and highlighted the interesting parts, then I saw it:

She was mentioning an affair she had with Alex/Symon/Harold three years ago.
WHAT…THE…FUCK.

She mentioned that Emily’s birth prompted her to remain with me for financial stability, otherwise she would have left me for him (Emily is definitely mine, before you ask). I pulled up his chat history and found enough in there to corroborate the affair.

I finished up the printout and headed back to her house. She hadn’t arrived but her dad was going to bed because he works the early shift. I asked him to wait, as Mellissa had something to tell him. He again said he had to go to bed, but I told him it was important.

I called Mellissa but got her voice mail. I told her to get back in 20 minutes or I’d tell him everything.

He already knew. I told him, “that’s not the half of it.”

Mellissa tore into the driveway a few minutes later. After the kids were put to bed she sat down with us but was reticent to give details. I had to prompt and direct her to admit she had sex with Jake before I had moved out. We were separated but living together, but we had agreed not to see anyone else. She couldn’t even say how many times she had had sex with Jake after a month. She was also now on the pill.

I then dropped the bomb about her affair with Alex. She came clean, explaining (after some more prompting) that she had had sex with him about a dozen times.

I told her she had committed adultery. She agreed, and said she wouldn’t fight me if I used that on the divorce papers. She asked when she should move out and her dad told her as soon as possible. She lied directly to their faces and they cannot forgive that.

The kids don’t deserve this crap. Her parents don’t deserve this. Hell, I told her after 10 years *I* don’t deserve this, even with my anger problems. She agreed.

I told her she had made me a cuckold (husband of an adulteress), and that she was a horrible person. If she had just come out and told me about Jake when she finally told me there was no hope of reconciliation I would have been angry, but I would have been able to move on instead of the month of uncertainty I had as I tried to resolve me feelings for her so that I could be her friend and father for her children. Also, her affair with Alex would have remained a secret. Her many lies have ironically caused the full truth to come to light.

Back when she explained her reasoning for telling me that we would have a trial separation when she had no plans to take me back, she explained that I needed that hope in order to preserve my mental state. Without that hope I might not have gotten help. I told her that she was right; sometimes the end justifies the means. Likewise for marrying me when she thought it might have been just to have kids. The kids are here, so you can’t second-guess that decision; to do so would cheapen their existence.

My betrayal of her trust by reading her chat logs (and I’ve been informed by several friends that I waited a lot longer than they would have) is the same; I feel no guilt because the truth is out.

I would like to personally thank the anonymous soul who e-mailed Mellissa’s brother about her affair with Jake. Though proof was not provided and I was never told about the e-mail until this evening, it gave her mother the impetus to confront Mellissa, which I heard about later. It was yet another odd thing that caused me to open those logs, so you have the thanks of the entire Zillwood and Allison families (except for Mellissa).

For those of you who are wondering if I’m going to do something self-destructive, forget it. I’m very focused right now, and I need to get my life back on track. I have 10 years to make up for. I don’t even want to kick the crap out of Jake; he was attracted to the same things I was in Mellissa, so I can’t blame him. Mellissa, however, should have waited until she told me the marriage was over; after 10 years she owed me that much.

To Jake, if he cares: based on some of the things you said to my wife you have some emotional issues yourself. You mentioned violent feelings and tendencies, problems with your parents and emotional withdrawal, even when you are alone with your new lover. Your relationship with her is based on many lies and deceptions, and you have not met the real Mellissa yet, the one I discovered after I proposed and moved in with her. You’re still in the happy sexy part of the relationship, and it’s a great time, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’ll enjoy a serious relationship with her. Please keep in mind that we will be meeting if my kids get hurt, physically or emotionally, by you.