Mood:

“An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.” — G. K. Chesterton

I used the term “adventure” in a letter to my wife just last week. Guess I’m on the right track!

Mood:

Mellissa has agreed to a three-month trial separation and we will see where we are then. No promises. I am so relieved, as some chance to preserve our marriage and prevent a broken home is infinitely better than no chance at all. I’ll be working my ass off to get back to the “me” I left behind when I was laid off right before Geoffrey was born, before I got clinically depressed, sullen and angry from a year’s forced unemployment and never really came back from it.

I’ve been spending as much time involved with the kids’ activities as possible when I’m home. They are so bright and intelligent, and I have no idea how I could have considered them a distraction from something more important. I’ve read online that too much computer use can cause depression, and I think that definitely has something to do with the miasma I’d been trapped in.

I mentioned to Mellissa yesterday that I had dug myself into a hole so deep that I couldn’t even tell I was in a hole. Now I feel happy, like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders, even though we’re facing the greatest threat to our marriage to date. I’m focused and confident.

I was sitting with the kids a couple days ago, watching them playing, and thought how nice it was. Then I realized that is probably the way that Mellissa feels all the time. It’s nice.

Mood:

If you haven’t read my last post from a couple days ago, it’s best to do that now and come back. I’ll wait…

Not many people know that I a have a short temper with my kids; mostly my almost-2-years-old daughter. Sunday night, after a lot of introspection resulting from Saturday night’s revelation, I figured out where that anger comes from:

When I was 10, during the summer, I was babysat by a stay-at-home mom who had a kid a little younger than Emily. I remember his name: Paul. I would play games with Paul while she would make lunch or do the laundry or vacuum the rug. One day I decided to show Paul how much fun it was to spin around, so I stood him up, took his hands and started to spin. I got a good speed going and he was laughing…

…and then he slipped out of my grasp. He flew across the room and stopped hard with his head and neck wedged under the rocking chair base. There was what writers call a “pregnant pause” and then he started to scream. When his mom came in she thought he had fallen from the chair or tripped or something. Paul wasn’t yet old enough to tell her what happened. I said nothing.

I don’t remember much more about that time. I think that was near the end of summer and I went back to school soon after. I don’t know if the hit on the head ever had a lasting effect on Paul. I know that kids are pretty resilient, but he hit so hard. I’ve been carrying this guilt around with me for a long time.

Then I had kids of my own. I think because of what happened so long ago I’m ultra-vigilant around them, trying to make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I accidentally hurt a little boy because I was trying to have fun with him, so I’m too serious with my own children. If they do something foolhardy because they don’t know any better and hurt themselves then I just go ballistic. It’s the crying; I can’t handle that sound, and my brain short-circuits. That, combined with other issues that have been building up since I lost my job just after Geoffrey was born, has really changed who I am.

Now that I’ve made this realization I think I can catch myself before blowing up, but I’m going to see the doctor about treating generalized anxiety disorder. I still have to leave; I just hope I can salvage my family’s respect, and love.

Mood:

I’d noticed my wife had been distant toward me for several months. I’d give her a kiss or hug and not get any reciprocation. I even had a dream that she was having an affair, which left me angry and depressed.

Last night I finally asked her about it, and she’s had enough. I can’t control my temper around the kids. I’m on a short fuse all the time. She still loves me, but the kids need a nurturing father, and I’m not it. We’d spoken about this before and I promised to get better, and though she noticed an improvement, it wasn’t enough.

I’d never hurt my family, but emotional abuse is still abuse. Geoffrey was asked at preschool to draw his family and I was nowhere in the picture. I’m either apathetic or angry most of the time at home, and Mellissa can’t take pretending to be happy for the kids anymore.

Long story short, anybody looking for a roommate?

Mood:

There are 3 people in this house who are still wrapping presents and IT’S CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON! The kids are being extraordinarily patient considering they got up 3 hours ago and only got to open one present each so far, and their stockings are still sitting untouched by the fireplace, but COME ON!

Mood:

Last night Emily sat down on her little plastic potty that we got out in preparation for training, then let out a loud fart. A little later she sat back down on it and did it again.

She obviously knows what to do on it, so guess she’s ready. 18 months is usually about the earliest kids show interest. I seem to recall Geoffrey not showing much interest until he got closer to 2 years old, and then we had to kind of force the issue.

Mood:

Last weekend we took the van (GMC Safari) in to have the horn fixed, only to be told the vehicle’s not safe and to get it off the road. It seems that whoever fixed it after its original accident used some questionable methods, such as welding a part that should have been bolted on, so it’s ready to go. Also, the brakes had about a week’s life left to them. Given that the mechanic didn’t even want to try to repair it tells us this vehicle’s at the end of its life.

We paid $1500 for it, so 2 years for that’s not bad. We’re just a bit freaked out that it was in such a poor state for so long and we’ve been driving the kids around in it.

We’ll be heading to Kia in Abbotsford (hey look Joe, they actually made their web site look professional!) to investigate the Sedona, which has the best crash test safety rating. Hopefully they’ll take the old van as a down payment and the monthlies aren’t too much.

Mood:

I take the Fourth of July off each year because most of the customers I speak to are Americans. Last year and this year we went to Playland, since it’s pretty dead on that day.

Last year we brought both kids, but this time just Geoffrey. This worked out much better because we could both go on rides with him instead of one having to remain with Emily, and he’s just 42″ tall so he could go on the flume ride, which really helped us cool down as the clouds burned away.

Speaking of burning, the back of my neck is scorched because when we woke up this morning it was raining and overcast so we didn’t pack any sunscreen. It stayed overcast for half of our time in Vancouver, and the rest of the time it was HOT! I have a bit of heatstroke right now, making it difficult to think and stay awake.

Mood:

Yes, I’m still here!

Ball hockey season started up again, and with all the stuff I have to do at work and the family at home I haven’t had much time for myself.  When I do get time alone I tend to just vegetate, except when I’m forced to figure out why my Usable Freeware site stopped working with its PHP database (host’s PHP upgrade broke my code).

I got sick quite a bit during the early part of the year, so I’ve hit my paid sick day limit already and it’s only halfway through the year.  An air conditioned office is comfortable, but when someone gets sick and comes in because they’re out of sick days, everyone else gets sick and brings down the overall efficiency.

Emily is repeating lots of words.   She’s still mostly babbling, but understands when we tell her to do basic things.  She smiles all the time, loves hugging and kissing, and charms pretty much everyone.

Geoffrey is loving the new Dr. Who episodes.  I suppose I’m going to have to get him a Sonic Screwdriver for Christmas…

I tried to update my ATI video card drivers and it couldn’t find an INI file. I tried to skip it and now my computer boots to 640×480 with 8 colours and no option to go higher. I tried System Restore, uninstalling and reinstalling, but no joy unless I use the Microsoft drivers from Windows Update, and they’re not great. Even DivX video is choppy. With all the problems I’ve had with ATI cards I think my next video card will be a GeForce and I’ll stick with those; never had any problems with nVidia.

I’m posting this with the Performancing Firefox plugin, which allows me to browse in a split-screen while I blog.  If I like it I’ll probably give their free blog metrics service a go.

Mood:

When I think of something to post here it’s forgotten within minutes because of how busy I’ve been. It’s been incredibly hard to relax. My freeware advocacy site, which was supposed to be updated every week, gets updated once a month.

My mother, for those of you who are unaware, has Huntingdon’s disease and is mid-range through the cycle, which will end in her death in a few years. She’s on medication so she can keep her involuntary movements down, but last week she got dizzy, falling and hitting her head, requiring 5 stiches. My dad had to separate from her a couple years back because of the symptomatic mood swings, but she still calls him nearly every day and he’s near his emotional end. He’ll be going on a long, well-deserved trip next month but this will mean she’ll have to depend on the staff at her care home, and her symptomatic antisocial tendencies have alienated them. I expect calls. She’s been calling ambulances once every week or two because she claims she’s unable to breathe, but she’s nowhere near that stage of the disease yet.

Yes, Huntingdon’s is hereditary. I’ve already been tested, and am clean. It ends with her.

On nicer things, Emily looks ready to walk. She’s been cruising, and Mellissa said she stood for 7 seconds before realizing she wasn’t holding on to anything the other day.

Geoffrey is currently obsessed with Toy Story 1 & 2, and Indiana Jones. His grandpa got him a fedora-like hat for Christmas and he’s been wearing it everywhere. He’s also been leaping off of furniture yelling, “To infinity…and beyond!” When he does it in the hat and his Buzz Lightyear pajamas it’s a weird cross-genre thing.

Work is busy busy busy as always. Being the only person testing the software is stressful, because if any bugs get through I’m pretty much responsible (well, the programmer too, but it’s very hard to test your own work because of ‘tunnel vision’ for your code).

My best friend moved to Vancouver earlier this month. It’s not like I went over to his place all that often, but it was “the place to go” to get away from here for awhile.

Mellissa is still pushing herself too hard for the SCA. Last night she didn’t even come to bed because she was fashioning “garb” for the kids ALL NIGHT. She neglected to tell me until yesterday that she needed me to take care of the kids this morning, and since I had told me boss that I would come in today to take care of some work I now have to push it to tomorrow. Whee, working on a Sunday…

Shaw Cable started throttling Bittorrent uploads in my area. Fsckers. I mostly use it to download TV shows, which I would watch on Shaw anyway but I hate being forced into a timetable.

The furnace in our house started having problems a couple months ago. Two of the five burners don’t light properly, so the gas builds up until it finally creates a small explosion, which blows out one of the other burners, which then builds up and explodes, etc. The explosions, while small and not dangerous, are very loud and shake the house. Yet one more thing adding to my stress level. We can’t have it looked at right now because the furnace would have to be completely disconnected for a couple days and it’s COLD outside.

I finished Call of Duty 2 within a few days of getting it. Great game, but I think it wasn’t as long as the first one. That, or I played it so damn much that I just breezed through it.

I managed to find a couple Fallout 2 mods, so am currently enjoying more turn-based killing, um strategy/RPG.

Oh, and I never want to have my wisdom teeth taken out now. Cripes!