Mood: :neutral:

When I found years ago that I could not talk to my wife about my feelings for various reasons that I have mentioned here before but will not reiterate I started to put those feelings onto my blog. She would read my blog, find out how I really felt and then we would discuss it or not. In retrospect that was really fucked up, but since I had never been married before I had no idea what normal was; I was trying anything to salvage my sanity.

When everything fell apart I naturally put it all onto this blog. My best friend had moved away and I was feeling very alone. I needed to vent. When I found out about the infidelities I again put it all down here.

When I speak to people who don’t have blogs about the things I’ve written here I’m asked what the hell I was thinking. Why would I put such personal information on the web for all to see? My reasoning was that all the friends and acquaintances that I never see anymore can get an update on my life, which is what blogs are for in the first place. I had an acquaintance approach me at the grocery store because he had read my blog and we commiserated a bit about ex-wives and kids, which might not have happened otherwise.

However, at this point there’s no reason to continue in this vein. My marriage is over and I’m moving on with my life. The ex and I will work together for the betterment of the kids’ lives, and our own, so there’s no point in dredging up crap; it only holds us back from working on what’s important. Therefore I vow to keep the personal crap out of this blog and may even “sanitize” previous entries when I have time.

I appreciate the support friends, acquaintances and even perfect strangers on the web have given me. Tune in for exciting posts such as if I was a tree what kind of tree would I be.

Mood: :mrgreen:

No posts lately. I’ve been busy.

I’ve moved back in with the Zillwoods for now, since that’s where I keep all my stuff. Will probably be moving out at the end of next month for somewhere in Abbotsford.

Personally I’m doing well. Mellissa and I went out with the kids for our last anniversary on the 10th, which I suggested we treat as a wake for our marriage. We ate out, came back to the house to watch a movie and put the kids to bed together. As I look at Mellissa these days I don’t really find her as attractive as I used to — little imperfections or blemishes that I would never really have noticed due to love’s “rose coloured glasses” are now quite obvious. I guess she hit this point years ago.

I’ve been seeing a woman I met on Plenty of Fish. I tell you, after trying Classmates Dating ($), OKCupid and American Singles ($) and getting barely any response, a free site like PoF that actually works is refreshing. A couple of Mellissa’s less…experienced…friends tried it and likewise found dates. Mellissa wanted to offer her opinion about some of her friends’ suitors’ profiles, and since you cannot view their profiles if you aren’t a member, she signed up. She’s been getting e-mails and virtual roses, even though her profile says she’s not looking for a boyfriend.

It has a good system, in that you are shown thumbnails and brief details of the types of people you are looking for. If you click on the profile that person is notified, so they can then click on you and have a look. If you like them you add them to your Favorites, and vice versa. There is e-mail and messaging internal to the site, so it’s all quite safe. You can even attach a virtual rose to a message.

One suggestion: find your best photo to use as your main picture. It’ll be thumbnailed, but if it’s good you’ll get lots of clicks. From there, a well-written profile will whet their appetites. I was carrying on e-mail conversations with 3 ladies for a few days there, and they all e-mailed me first!

You won’t find my profile on there. I don’t need it anymore! PoF works.

Mood: :oops:

After reading through more of the chat logs from Mellissa’s computer I have come to the realization that I jumped to conclusions about her SCA friends. It’s easy to blame a group that is misunderstood by many, but in viewing the timelines from those chat logs it looks like those that did find out about the first affair only found out long after nothing could be done about it. Those that found out and supported the second affair didn’t really think it was an affair because Mellissa had informed them that there was no chance of reconciliation with me. The blame for the affair is on Mellissa, not her friends, and not the SCA. She could have joined a bowling league and had an affair there.

I would like to formally apologize to Mellissa’s circle of friends, who would be justified in taking umbrage at my rant from the 22nd (which has been edited), as well as feeling embarrassed at some of the private information that I accessed within those logs. Please understand that I only read the logs to get the truth that had been denied me for so long. I will be visiting my children often and taking an interest in their activities, including those involving SCA folk, so if you feel that a personal apology is warranted I will be happy to provide one.

Mood: :mad: :mad::mad:

When Mellissa asked me to move out I asked her the obvious question: “Is there someone else?”
She said no.

When she agreed to a trial separation we discussed whether we should consider ourselves to be on a break (a la Ross & Rachel from Friends). That set off alarm bells in the back of my head, but I was so emotionally chaotic that I ignored them. We agreed we were not on a break; no dating anyone else.

When she told me weeks later that there was no chance of reconciliation I again asked the question: is there someone else? Again she said no.

Tuesday night I was working on Mellissa’s computer when I noticed she had unread chats waiting. That caused me to remember that she mentioned her chat logs weren’t working — when she right-clicked on a name and told it to show the history it sometimes said it wasn’t set up — so I had a look at the settings. The logging was on and the folder seemed valid. I checked out the log folder and found that the chats were, in fact, being logged.

I then noticed that one of the last chats that came in was from Jake, the 22-year-old guy she said had asked her out but she hadn’t agreed yet. Jealousy filled me. I opened it up his log and jumped to the end, my shame rising as I considered what I was doing. I was moving my mouse to close the window, mentally kicking myself for being so foolish when I saw it:

Muddles/Elspeth: “I love you”
Jake: “lovey ou too”

I was stunned. I had only moved out last month and she said she hadn’t been going out on dates with this guy yet and they’re already saying they love each other? In fact, she’s saying it to him first?

I scrolled back.

More »

Mood: :shock:

One thing I just realized as I run through all the stuff I’m going to need to do from here:

I’ve never lived alone before.

I lived with my parents, then moved out with Merrick and Joe near Cultus lake, then in with Ruth, then back in with Merrick at The Mopester’s, then in with Mellissa. I’ve never come home to an empty house every day.

It’s a daunting prospect. I’m currently living with Anthony, but it will be temporary.


Mood: :???:

One thing I’m able to do is adjust my point of view during times of great emotional stress. When I told Mellissa I wasn’t interested in marriage or children after our relationship got serious she told me our time together would be limited because she wanted the opposite. I reevaluated my life within the space of a week and proposed shortly thereafter. When she told me last month that I had to leave because of my anger I did a 180 on my attitude and have become the father I never expected I could be. Now that I have been forced to accept my impending divorce I have once again adjusted my point of view.

I was fooling myself. Mellissa had moved on emotionally months ago but I’m the fixer — I see a problem and I have to fix it. I convinced myself that I could fix my relationship with my kids and our marriage. I see now that I can only do the former. There were things I could have done to keep this from happening, but Mellissa also told me that she suspects she only married me to have kids, so this might have happened anyway.

I was angry at first, but I realized this morning that I wasn’t angry at her. She made up the trial separation in order to preserve my peace of mind and not send me spiraling into despair. Now that I’m happier with myself and my relationship my Geoffrey and Emily I can properly handle our breakup. I told Mellissa last night that being in love was an illusion in an attempt to change her mind, and I meant it. This morning my illusion was gone. I still like her…I still love her…but I’m not in love with her anymore.

I’m still going to have some trouble dealing with when she gets a new boyfriend, but in the meantime we’re still friends. We still finish each other’s sentences sometimes, or arrive at the same idea concurrently.

Maybe she’ll set me up with one of her girlfriends. She has inside information on my sexual prowess after all… :wink:

Mood: :cry:

Last night Mellissa’s brother Stephen told me that Geoffrey had come out to the back room crying the previous night, and when asked what was wrong he said he missed me. This was of course upsetting to me so I mentioned to Mellissa this afternoon that we shouldn’t carry this separation on too long past the three months, for the kids’ sake. She agreed and went off to her D&D session.

When she got back we discussed it more. She told me that she doesn’t see us ever getting back together, and the great strides I’ve made with the children have made no difference toward that, though she’s happy that I’m getting help. She’s no longer in love with me and will never be again, though she still likes and loves me.

The woman I married had forgiveness in her heart. She would never have considered breaking her marriage vows. She wouldn’t have put her needs before her children’s. I was looking forward to showing her what kind of husband I could be. I was even thinking about asking her to marry me again, as she loves weddings. I was going to support her idea of applying to become a surrogate mother, as she loves being pregnant and has easy pregnancies and deliveries. However, the possibility of finding someone else that she can have more children with is more attractive than the reality of her marriage.

That she is not behaving like the woman I fell in love with makes this easier. Her membership in the SCA definitely changed her views on marriage and love, especially since several of her friends are divorced, separated, and/or polyamorous, and seem to trade relationship partners like hockey cards. I didn’t treat her like a queen, and in the SCA every man does. It’s empowered her and has contributed to the destruction of our marriage, as a “mundane” husband simply can’t compete.

I’m not blaming the SCA, though. I contributed to this end with my depressive, angry and ambivalent impulses. The SCA just became the juxtaposition to an unhappy home life. She had fun at SCA events without her husband, and no fun at home with her husband. Simple psychology.

I will continue to be the best father to my children that I can, given the circumstances. However, I can’t just turn off my heart. When Mellissa gets a new boyfriend I will not handle it well and will have to go away. Hopefully the kids won’t mind coming to visit me from then on.

Mood: :neutral:

“An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.” — G. K. Chesterton

I used the term “adventure” in a letter to my wife just last week. Guess I’m on the right track!

Mood: :smile:

Mellissa has agreed to a three-month trial separation and we will see where we are then. No promises. I am so relieved, as some chance to preserve our marriage and prevent a broken home is infinitely better than no chance at all. I’ll be working my ass off to get back to the “me” I left behind when I was laid off right before Geoffrey was born, before I got clinically depressed, sullen and angry from a year’s forced unemployment and never really came back from it.

I’ve been spending as much time involved with the kids’ activities as possible when I’m home. They are so bright and intelligent, and I have no idea how I could have considered them a distraction from something more important. I’ve read online that too much computer use can cause depression, and I think that definitely has something to do with the miasma I’d been trapped in.

I mentioned to Mellissa yesterday that I had dug myself into a hole so deep that I couldn’t even tell I was in a hole. Now I feel happy, like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders, even though we’re facing the greatest threat to our marriage to date. I’m focused and confident.

I was sitting with the kids a couple days ago, watching them playing, and thought how nice it was. Then I realized that is probably the way that Mellissa feels all the time. It’s nice.

Mood: :oops:

If you haven’t read my last post from a couple days ago, it’s best to do that now and come back. I’ll wait…

Not many people know that I a have a short temper with my kids; mostly my almost-2-years-old daughter. Sunday night, after a lot of introspection resulting from Saturday night’s revelation, I figured out where that anger comes from:

When I was 10, during the summer, I was babysat by a stay-at-home mom who had a kid a little younger than Emily. I remember his name: Paul. I would play games with Paul while she would make lunch or do the laundry or vacuum the rug. One day I decided to show Paul how much fun it was to spin around, so I stood him up, took his hands and started to spin. I got a good speed going and he was laughing…

…and then he slipped out of my grasp. He flew across the room and stopped hard with his head and neck wedged under the rocking chair base. There was what writers call a “pregnant pause” and then he started to scream. When his mom came in she thought he had fallen from the chair or tripped or something. Paul wasn’t yet old enough to tell her what happened. I said nothing.

I don’t remember much more about that time. I think that was near the end of summer and I went back to school soon after. I don’t know if the hit on the head ever had a lasting effect on Paul. I know that kids are pretty resilient, but he hit so hard. I’ve been carrying this guilt around with me for a long time.

Then I had kids of my own. I think because of what happened so long ago I’m ultra-vigilant around them, trying to make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I accidentally hurt a little boy because I was trying to have fun with him, so I’m too serious with my own children. If they do something foolhardy because they don’t know any better and hurt themselves then I just go ballistic. It’s the crying; I can’t handle that sound, and my brain short-circuits. That, combined with other issues that have been building up since I lost my job just after Geoffrey was born, has really changed who I am.

Now that I’ve made this realization I think I can catch myself before blowing up, but I’m going to see the doctor about treating generalized anxiety disorder. I still have to leave; I just hope I can salvage my family’s respect, and love.